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alixandreaToday I have mostly spent the day in front of the computer, on the net, in search of a job. Mainly trying not to call Stef, with whom I had a huge row on Tuesday. I think everything is OK now, I apologised when I got home via the phone/txt messages, but he's gone silent on me, which always worries me, especially as today is his birthday. Still, its fairly normal behaviour when the boi wants to be Stef-and-cats only for a few days, although he did spend this weekend in London working at the Fridge for Jason.
*Sigh*
I really hope I haven't fucked things up for good this time.
I really hope he didn't meet some gorgeous lady over the weekend.
I really hope this will pass like last time.
Anyway, I took a break to fill in some real application forms, then broke down and had a good cry. I'm sick of rejection letters coming through the door. I'm sick of prospective employers with whom I've had a brilliant interview promising to call me and then never doing so. I'm sick of lying dishonest people, especially the kind who steal things. I'm sick of having PMT and constant frazzled nerves. I'm sick of feeling useless and stupid and shit. I'm sick of being interpreted and I'm sick of being alone right now.
I want to get out, I have a week now until I see Stef again and I'm thinking of just getting out on the bike, going who knows where for a while. But I should be jobhunting, I should be cleaning up the flat, I should be trying to think what I'm going to do with all this debt that is piling up.
I shouldn't be missing Stef quite so much.
Who the hell's idea was it to fall in love with the guy in the first place...?
OK then. Tomorrow I call the docs and make an appoinment to get me off this nightmare ride that is hormone replacement (or at least onto a single dose across 21 days pill, rather than one with the little brown ones at the end that drive me half insane...) Then to the various places I have completed applications for, then the job centre to apply for some more (I hope I can do so without having to fill in the nightmare forms, I want a job _not_ JSA), then to the advice centre down the road from me to see if they can help me find a way out of this predicament.
If the bank were willing to give me a loan everything would be alright. I could buy Brighton Rock http://www.droitwichboats.co.uk/brokerage/list1.htm and have money left over to pay off my overdraft and the first couple of months on the loan itself while I got a job/brought the boat down from Birmingham. I could have time alone to think then, and I would have my very own place to live for as long as I needed it, rather than having to constantly think about where I'm going to go in October. I wouldn't be under so much pressure and stress, and I wouldn't be taking it out on my lover. But I have to have been in employment for at least three months already and ideally more, so I've fucked up that one big style...
I haven't the guts to ask my mother to get it for me, and anyway that wouldn't be fair. Les appears to have stopped my funds, for which he WILL PAY, since in all he still owes me £1600 right back from when he was in jail. If I could get that in a lump sum at least my overdraft would be paid off, with a little left over for the last rent payments. Still wouldn't help with the home situation though.
I am too proud to move back home. I'm out of Stortford for good, and the thought of having to go back there gives me THE FEAR. I can imagine Paul's face, laughing at me, knowing I couldn't do it.
Ugh.
No, there is a way out of this, I'm sure. Its foggy up ahead, but its not blocked, and although I don't believe that every action, thought, word and deed is written in stone, I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everything does turn out for the best in the end, even if its just because you've learnt from your battles.
'I treasure your love
I never wanna lose it
You've been through the fires of hell
And I know you've got the ashes to prove it...'
(JS)
Stef lost two of his girlfriends in bad situations, three if you include the only one he cheated on. I want to prove to him I'm not like that (since I get compared every time we do fight) but the only way I'm going to do it is by proving to him (or possibly myself) that I really am the strong, independant creature he first wrote about in Moonfriend.
Two steps forward, one step back. Keep going, there's a summit up there somewhere, and the view is magnificent. Live for the moment and cherish every one.
Oh, and anyone who hasn't read I & Claudius should do so right away, especially if they're animal (cat) lovers...
*Sigh*
I really hope I haven't fucked things up for good this time.
I really hope he didn't meet some gorgeous lady over the weekend.
I really hope this will pass like last time.
Anyway, I took a break to fill in some real application forms, then broke down and had a good cry. I'm sick of rejection letters coming through the door. I'm sick of prospective employers with whom I've had a brilliant interview promising to call me and then never doing so. I'm sick of lying dishonest people, especially the kind who steal things. I'm sick of having PMT and constant frazzled nerves. I'm sick of feeling useless and stupid and shit. I'm sick of being interpreted and I'm sick of being alone right now.
I want to get out, I have a week now until I see Stef again and I'm thinking of just getting out on the bike, going who knows where for a while. But I should be jobhunting, I should be cleaning up the flat, I should be trying to think what I'm going to do with all this debt that is piling up.
I shouldn't be missing Stef quite so much.
Who the hell's idea was it to fall in love with the guy in the first place...?
OK then. Tomorrow I call the docs and make an appoinment to get me off this nightmare ride that is hormone replacement (or at least onto a single dose across 21 days pill, rather than one with the little brown ones at the end that drive me half insane...) Then to the various places I have completed applications for, then the job centre to apply for some more (I hope I can do so without having to fill in the nightmare forms, I want a job _not_ JSA), then to the advice centre down the road from me to see if they can help me find a way out of this predicament.
If the bank were willing to give me a loan everything would be alright. I could buy Brighton Rock http://www.droitwichboats.co.uk/brokerage/list1.htm and have money left over to pay off my overdraft and the first couple of months on the loan itself while I got a job/brought the boat down from Birmingham. I could have time alone to think then, and I would have my very own place to live for as long as I needed it, rather than having to constantly think about where I'm going to go in October. I wouldn't be under so much pressure and stress, and I wouldn't be taking it out on my lover. But I have to have been in employment for at least three months already and ideally more, so I've fucked up that one big style...
I haven't the guts to ask my mother to get it for me, and anyway that wouldn't be fair. Les appears to have stopped my funds, for which he WILL PAY, since in all he still owes me £1600 right back from when he was in jail. If I could get that in a lump sum at least my overdraft would be paid off, with a little left over for the last rent payments. Still wouldn't help with the home situation though.
I am too proud to move back home. I'm out of Stortford for good, and the thought of having to go back there gives me THE FEAR. I can imagine Paul's face, laughing at me, knowing I couldn't do it.
Ugh.
No, there is a way out of this, I'm sure. Its foggy up ahead, but its not blocked, and although I don't believe that every action, thought, word and deed is written in stone, I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everything does turn out for the best in the end, even if its just because you've learnt from your battles.
'I treasure your love
I never wanna lose it
You've been through the fires of hell
And I know you've got the ashes to prove it...'
(JS)
Stef lost two of his girlfriends in bad situations, three if you include the only one he cheated on. I want to prove to him I'm not like that (since I get compared every time we do fight) but the only way I'm going to do it is by proving to him (or possibly myself) that I really am the strong, independant creature he first wrote about in Moonfriend.
Two steps forward, one step back. Keep going, there's a summit up there somewhere, and the view is magnificent. Live for the moment and cherish every one.
Oh, and anyone who hasn't read I & Claudius should do so right away, especially if they're animal (cat) lovers...
